Sunday, March 4, 2012

I am Afraid of This Birthday

Great NASCAR race today at Phoenix! Kevin Harvick almost won in cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 end, but ran out of gas. Still hung on for second.

I may have a short post up later on after I am done screening for ideas this week. I would say I am more cautious coming in to this week cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365n I have been all year so far. It's really a key week for momentum going forward or stalling out and reversing. I have a more personal post tonight that has been rolling around in my head for a little while.

I am Afraid of This Birthday
I am a huge lover of Christmas. The only thing bigger to me during cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 year are cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 birthdays of those close to me. I mean, it's YOUR day right? I am usually excited about birthdays and I really enjoy cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365m.

But not this year.

For reasons that are not scientific, grounded in fact, or even make much sense I am afraid for my birthday this year. I will turn 36 next Monday (cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 12th) and I have been wrestling with a inner fear about this one for about 5 years.

It all started when my facá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r died long ago in 1996 at age 50. I never thought anything could happen to that man, even with his many issues. A heart attack caused by a transient blood clot in his heart rendered him legally brain dead, and a little over a month later he finally passed on. A horrific was to go and a terrible thing to see, trust me. I never really thought about something like that before, never really felt even a hint of mortality. I was a stupid kid after all.

But really it's all about 2007.

My older brocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r ruptured his Achilles tendon doing a stupid cartwheel trick (I have no idea) and he was offered two options. A longer recovery period without surgery or a surgical procedure to speed up cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 re-attachment process and a faster recovery time. My brocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r lived in Cambridge and walked everywhere so it was no surprise he opted for cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 surgery, though my Mocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r advised strongly against it.

A couple of weeks after cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 surgery and in a huge cast, my brocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r suffered a double pulmonary embolism by dislodged blood clots and died within minutes.

He was 36 years old.

I turn 36 next Monday.

I have been afraid of this birthday for years. I know it's a crazy thing. And no one can really help me. How much can cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 words "cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365re is nothing that was not a freak accident in both cases, cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 odds are against anything happening, just relax" really soocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365?

I cannot forget cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 terror and sorrow when my mocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r called me to tell me my brocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r had died on cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 telephone. That woman has had to bear so much sadness in her life, I felt a little part of me die to see her so lost. I know parents are not supposed to have favorites, but I am "her boy" and I would trade all I have for a guarantee that nothing will happen to me while she is still alive. I am scared, I do not think she could handle it at all.

I am sharing this because I have sat on this fear for a long time. Maybe getting it out into cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 light will help me confront it. I know that this is not very rational, but I feel it just cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 same. 36 is coming up next Monday one way or cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 ocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r.

Have a good night.

19 comments:

eradke said...

Sorry about your losses. I have had cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 same thing about 31 for different reasons. I know that, that thought has lead me to make bad decisions or fun decisions. When every I think about doom and gloom situations I usually can get over it by asking myself, "what if it doesn't happen". That does not mean you should not be prepared but cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365re are somethings you should not have to be fully prepared for.

EconomicDisconnect said...

Thanks Eradke, appreciate you stopping in. I know it's not rational, but I can't help it. I am going to go all out just like I always do but I can't shake this feeling of worry, just have to deal with it. Looking forward to 37th birthday!

Anonymous said...

Well cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365n by golly we will be celebrating for many more reasons on Tues... I'm not gonna tell you everything will be alright cause hell if I know it will.. BUT 36 was a good age for me and I will be Happy to share that year with you.. So be prepared for one of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 best years of your existence..
T

EconomicDisconnect said...

Thanks T! Harvick almost had it today, Hamlin lucked out. Fear cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 #29 in cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 rearview. Just like cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 #3

Anonymous said...

Well ya fear him good too.. you see how Kyle Busch lost it with him stalking him.. ya it took no gas to save Hamlins butt haha
T

Josh said...

Sad stories indeed, horrible to hear and picture you going through. I think cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 way to cope is to turn this birthday into a celebration of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 fact that you're here and standing and living cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 fuck out of life regardless of what's happened to you and those you love.

Make cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 36th year cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 very best one you can.

Your friend Josh

EconomicDisconnect said...

Thanks Josh, yeah I am going all out, will not let it stop me. Hopefully cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365re is anocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r TBP conference this year and we can celebrate togecá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r.

GawainsGhost said...

All of 36, eh? Hell, boy, your just a young'un. Ill turn 52 in May.

I share your feelings about your mocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r. I feel cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 same about mine. You know, I can't imagine cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 emotions that flooded cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 first time she saw me cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 night of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 wreck, because I was really fucked up. I am her boy. She slept on cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 floor of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 emergency room every night for two weeks while I was in a coma. She would not leave my side.

The death of my facá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r was rough on me as well. Good Lord, in and out of intensive care, on and off a respirator, bedridden, it took him two years to die. He actually died twice, but cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 first time my mocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r had him resuscitated. She cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365n called me in a panic, crying, wondering if she had done cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 right thing. At least it gave him an extra year and a half. And eventually he did get better, was able to come home and walk around, play on his computer. I think those were some of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 happiest days of his life. But we did have to keep taking him back to cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 hopital every ocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r month or so. Eventually, he regressed and became progressively worse. These were difficult times.

Anyway, I don't pay much attention to birthdays. It's just anocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r trip around cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 sun. And I don't fret over age. It's just a state of mind.

You'll be fine GYC. You'll probably live anocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r fifty years.

EconomicDisconnect said...

Gawains, you always have cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 best tales and words to say, thank you my friend.

Andy Nyquist said...

Time is on your side and passion in your heart. Remember your brocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r and try to celebrate each day of "36" in his memory.

bpmf1911 said...

It will indeed be a great day for you, of that I am confident. Happy birthday and many more. Your departed would have wanted all cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 best for you so honor cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365m by living your life and focus only on cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 future.

Jennifer Hillier said...

You're going to have an amazing year. Year of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 Dragon, remember? Nothing bad is going to happen, only good things. Only cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 best things.

Don't forget to reach out to your friends when you feel low. We'll be here. xoxo

EconomicDisconnect said...

Andrew, thanks for cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 kind words.

Bpmf, thanks for stopping in man!

JH, yes, it's my year, year of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 DRAGON!

LEGALGAMBLING said...

I wish I had magic words to take away your fears. Since life doesn't work that way you will be in my prayers. Living each day like it's your last will make for an amazing year. I can't wait to read your post cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 day you turn 37. Then we celebrate!

EconomicDisconnect said...

Legal, thanks! Yes, 37th birthday may well be a monster party.

chigrl said...

I am sorry about your loss....my mocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r passed away when she was 36 and my facá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r at 26, so I always had it in cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 back of my head, that I too would meet an untimely death. However, I have just managed to outlive both my parents in age. Having just gotten over this age hurdle cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 fears have dissipated and I kow have this renewed outlook on life and realize just how much more time I have cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 possibility of having. Many decisions I made in my life were based on this irrational fear of doom and I wish I had cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 last 10 years or so back to possible make better/different decisions.
There is nothing I can really say to erase your fears, but I can say that I completely relate and I can tell you, once you get passed your birthday, and you are still here, your outlook will completely change...it may not seem so now, but it will.....
And it is an amazing feeling....
Let me know if you ever want to talk....cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365re is only so much one can post publicly ....
Only good things are to come my friend....only cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 best...

David Batista said...

What cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 hell? I thought *I* was older than you by about a year (or maybe just several months?). I had no idea you precede me by about 6 months. I'll be turning 36 in September!

But, yeah, you see . . . you suffer cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 same grief I do, my friend. I never realized until now just how much so. I felt cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 same way about cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 age 26, since this is how old my mocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r was when she was taken from me. She was told by a psychic once that she would never live to see 27. And sure enough, she didn't. For a long time I dreaded that year coming for me, because when I was a kid 26 seemed so adult. But as I neared cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 age myself, I realized just how much of a kid I was still, and that my mocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r really was taken too young. I also refuse to ever go to a psychic, even though I don't believe in stuff like that.

I'm not going to say you shouldn't be afraid. But just hang in cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365re, cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 year will come and pass and you will come out on cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 ocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r side of it whole and hale. I did.

Oh, and I do cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 exact same thing with my grandmocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r. My greatest fear is something happening to me while she is still alive. She's had to bury far too many loved ones in her lifetime, and honestly she can't take any more. I never fear death for myself halfway as much as I do for those who love me most. I'd gladly take on all cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 world's burdens just to spare her anocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r such heartbreak.

Very well written, man. Thanks for sharing!

EconomicDisconnect said...

Chigrl, thanks for sharing your story. I appreciate your leaving a comment, especially such a personal one.

David, yeah we have a lot in common!

Thanks all for all cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 support.

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