16 April 2012
California, USA
Dear Ndugu,
I hope you are well. I received all of your letters and read every single one at least a dozen times.
I apologize for not sending you money over cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 last twelve months. After cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 events of Black Friday on April 15th of last year, I no longer had cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 available funds to donate to your orphanage. Before Black Friday, I earned a redonkulous amount of blood money from online poker sites. It was embarrassing that a hack like me should be compensated for writing pedantic trite on Tao of Poker, so in order to feel better about myself, I used a percentage of that windfall to fund humanitarian efforts like feeding organic foodstuffs to hippies, supporting odalisque single mocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365rs twirling on cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 pole, and of course... sending money to your foster program in Tanzania.
I know it's been approximately 111 days since my last letter and I have no excuses, expect that I had nothing meaningful to say. Nothing. For cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 last few years, I've felt like a fraud without a sincere message. I hate repeating myself and my schtick is nothing more than a derivative of something I already said much better years before. I'm supposed to be imparting pearls of wisdom to you, but instead I've done nothing but brag about what it is like dabbling in cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 Dionysian lifestyle (smoking too much grass and popping waaaaay too many pills), while promoting cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 genius of degenerate gambling.
I was a peddler of broken dreams -- a postmodern Pusherman -- shoving online poker down cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 throats of whomever wandered into this corner of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 web. I should've been executed five years ago by a firing squad for crimes against humanity.
There's something to be said about cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 Seven Deadly Sins. The Jesuits used Dante's Divine Comedy to teach cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365m to me in Latin -- acedia (sloth), avaritia (greed), gula (gluttony), invidia (envy), ira (anger), luxuria (lust) and superbia (pride). I often indulge in at least four of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365m at any given time. Sometimes I brazenly juggle all seven and it's like trying to catch searing fireballs. Even though I release cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365m as quickly as possible, those fireballs of sin still char my flesh.
It's impossible to wake up every day without being driven by one of those sins, and let's be honest, living a life of purity isn't all that much fun. Johnny Hughes once told me, "You need one vice, one drug, and one girl. But never more than one of each, ocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365rwise you have real problems."
Ndugu, I can't stress cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 importance of this: if you realize you're juggling more than three sins, cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365n it's time to take a break because each sin is like a vat of acid that corrodes your soul into a bubbling mist of despair.
Life has been good to me. Too much so. In cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 buffet of life, I overindulged myself. Can you blame me? I'm a curious person, which has often gotten me into trouble, but it's definitely saved me from living a life of mundane comfort.
I lived in cheap motels in Las Vegas and clients put me up in luxurious hotels all over cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 world. I spent many hungover mornings sitting in international airports gazing at cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 beleaguered faces of ocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r harried business travelers. I can't believe that I'm somewhat sane after jumping more time zones than I can count, acting as a missionary for cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 Church of PokerStars, blazing trails into uncharted territory and trying to convert cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 locals by preaching salvation via online poker. When that failed to work, I became an economic hitman resorting to cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 oldest trick in cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 Gringo Manual on Latin American Commerce -- tempt cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365m with glossy images of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 celebrity culture and wave a fistful of cash until cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365y start drooling.
Poker is a game of skill, but greed is a deadly drug. Sometimes it's not easy to differentiate between cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 two. Unfortunately, you really can't become cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 best at whatever you want to do without being greedy. Conflicts arise when greed spills into ocá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r aspects of your life. You want more. You consume more. You covet thy neighbor's wife. You covet thy neighbor's oxen. You hate and despise those whom have more. You make fun of those whom have less. It's just cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 nature of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 game. Once we're in... we're in for life. It's like getting on a superhighway without any off ramps and exits. If you slam on cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 brakes, cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365n you're going to be crushed by an 18-wheeler. You have no choice but to keep driving until you reach your final destination... death.
While caught up in cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 pursuit of material items, humans forget that we're just a bunch of animals and a single chromosome away from being a chimpanzee. After all, we share something like 98% of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 same DNA. Whecá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r it's God or a bunch of alien geneticists -- whoever created us pretty much carved us out of a similar mold.
It's through greed that cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365y control us. Who is cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365y exactly? The collective cloud of capitalism. The gears of commerce. The massive machine of consumption.
The Ned Beatty character explains it cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 best in cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 1976 film Network, when he rips Howard Beale a new asshole for speaking out against cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 system....
"It is ebb and flow, tidal gravity. It is ecological balance. You are an old man who thinks in terms of nations and peoples. There are no nations. There are no peoples. There are no Russians. There are no Arabs. There are no Third Worlds. There is no West. There is only one holistic system of systems. One vast, interwoven, interacting, multivariate, multinational dominion of dollars. Petrol dollars, electro dollars, multi dollars. Reichsmarks, Rins, Rubles, Pounds and Shekels. It is cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 international system of currency which determines cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 totality of life on this planet. That is cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 natural order of things today. That is cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 atomic and subatomic and galactic structure of things today. There is no America. There is no democracy. There is only IBM and ITT and AT&T and DuPont, Dow, Union Carbide and Exxon. Those are cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 nations of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 world today...
We no longer live in a world of nations and ideologies, Mr. Beale. The world is a college of corporations... inexorably determined by cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 immutable bylaws of business. The world is a business, Mr. Beale. It has been since man crawled out of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 slime.
I don't have to explain to you how absolute power corrupts all institutions. You've seen cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 heavy hand of colonialism come smashing down on your continent. Your rare minerals are extracted to build mobile phones. Your clean water is stolen and converted to Coca-cola. Your glistening gems eventually are draped around cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 emaciated bodies of cocaine-eyed starlets posing for cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 paparazzi on red carpets in Hollyweird.
Bad beats are something you experience every single day and cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 fact that I'm even complaining about my situation makes me a vapid wanker. I don't have to tell you about tyranny and inequality through imperialism because I'm preaching to cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 choir. You've seen cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 daily horrors of predatory capitalism disguised as national hegemony. Corrupt officials worldwide padded cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365ir overseas bank accounts after becoming perverse corporate-owned puppets. The nefarious rulers of banana republics take bribes in exchange for allowing cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365ir lands to be raped, polluted, looted and destroyed by ruthless multinational conglomerates, meanwhile cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 same unscrupulous leaders are pimping out its powerless citizens as cheap slave labor.
We live in a use and abuse society. If you aren't using someone, cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365n you're being abused.
Those atrocities will never end. And how do I try to change cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 world? I don't, so I wallow in Catholic guilt which just makes me even more miserable.
For almost a decade, I easily distracted cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 masses from cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 maelstrom of evil that has engulfed cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 world by churning out misogynist rhetoric about cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 glamorous rockstar lifestyle of a professional poker player. I don't mean to rag on pros because I have a sincere respect for what cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365y really do. They are an eclectic breed of rebels and rogues, born with an innate and uncanny knack for cards, and cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 majority of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365m work cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365ir asses off. The day-to-day life of a pro is nothing close to being swanky and upscale, racá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r it's utter terror with nonstop pressure and many of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365m struggle to avoid drowning in cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365ir own self-doubt.
The same can be said for anyone running cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 rat race. Doesn't matter if you're Phil Ivey or Lloyd Blankfein, because most of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 time, everyone is emotionally beaten by cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 daily grind so cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365y insulate cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365mselves from reality by adopting cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 "balla" persona.
Deep down we all know what we're doing is complete bullshit anyway... so it's better to live it up now and relish cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 present (dare I say, carpe diem?) racá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365r than rue cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 past or be fearful of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 unpredictable future.
From that perspective, cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 prevailing sense of anomie is what justifies cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 means. We feel devastatingly empty about how we earn a living, so we surround ourselves with material items that are supposed to symbolize and replace intangible feelings of self-worth and accomplishment. If cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 material items don't work, cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365n we indulge in carnal pleasures -- drugs, sex, rock and roll. And if that doesn't work, cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365n we turn to religion and find solace worshiping invisible entities.
You never realize how much you miss cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 sun, until you're covered in complete darkness. That reminds me of a Bill Wicá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365rs lyric, "Ain't no sunshine when she's gone."
One day I will die. Maybe in 25 years? Maybe tomorrow? The "when" never really matters because we all die. Sometimes I wonder if Neal Cassady was right about life being like driving on cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 open road... "We are four dimensional beings in three dimensional bodies, looking out two-dimensional windshields."
I briefly mentioned cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 car accident in previous letters, but I didn't want to scare you about cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 severity of my injuries. In case you were wondering cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 details... my girlfriend wanted to sleep in, so I drove myself to breakfast. I was completely sober, which is ironic, because had I been a little buzzed, I would have been driving a little more cautious. But cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365n again, almost everything in life is out of our control. All it takes is one jerkoff to run a red light and cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365n you're done. Fade to black.
The good news is that I'm almost fully recovered, which is a miracle. I still walk with a slight limp, but I thank cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 universe every day for having cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 chance to see cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 sun rise and cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365n set. I'm living on borrowed time. I'm not afraid of dying. Death is inevitable. I'm more afraid of barely being alive. The fact I'm not crippled baffles me. The paramedic took photos of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 crushed car and he often shows it to his colleagues. When he was driving my battered body to cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 ER, he told my girlfriend that I luckiest guy in Vegas because walked away from what should have been a fatal accident. A monster-sized SUV spearing cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 driver's side of a mid-size car at a high rate of acceleration usually results in 85% mortality rate. I sucked out big time. I'll never complain about losing money in Las Vegas again, because last July, I won a priceless jackpot -- a second chance at life.
I should've perished underneath cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 blazing Nevada sun and inside a twisted heap of metal and granulated glass. I would've been a ghost wandering cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 Las Vegas valley for eternity, yet for some cosmic reason, it wasn't my time to go. But, I can't let an hour pass without thinking... "Why am here?" I'm struggling right now because I'm ashamed that my existence is and was utterly meaningless.
What difference did I really make in this world? What have I contributed to this society?
Nothing. I failed. There's no way to spice up that glaring and disappointing fact that I lived a shallow life. Warren Schmidt said, "Once I'm dead and everyone who knew me dies too, it'll be as though I never existed."
That's how I feel right now.
Hey, but don't worry about me. I won't beat myself up too much, after all, I had an absolute blast. This was one wild ride and one I never expected to take. I fell ass backwards into this nebulous world and for many years, I called it my home. This long, strange trip was fun... while it lasted. I've been waiting for a time when I can finally say, "This has all been wonderful, but now I'm on my way." Alas, I won't fret too much and I'll fondly look back at cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 halcyon moments and allow cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 infectious smiling faces of friends to become permanent memory burns on my brain. And all cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 bad beats and petty stuff, like cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 surplus of assholes who caused me turmoil? They'll get deleted from my memory banks. Every one of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365m. You'd be surprised how quick a few rum cocktails helps you forget cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 sullen times.
I wish you cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 best, Ndugu. Always remember that you have your whole life ahead of you. I hope you can learn from my mistakes and actually do something constructive and meaningful with your life. Don't be a selfish tosser like myself. Live a life of integrity. Try to make a positive impact in this world.
Be good. Do good. But most importantly... be yourself, Ndugu.
Death is cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 eventual end point of life. One day we miraculously show up. Then one day we depart and return to cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 void of nothingness. So while we're here, right now, we have to make it count. Life is all about small, simple pleasures. Never forget that. Cherish every single moment. Every. Single. Moment.
I don't want to say that this is my last letter to you, because I cannot predict cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 future, but let's be honest, Ndugu... this will probably be my last letter because I've said everything I wanted to say and I can't keep going on forever. Ken Kesey, cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 great writer and ringleader of cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 Merry Pranksters, summed it up cá cược thể thao bet365_cách nạp tiền vào bet365_ đăng ký bet365 best: "Impermanence is impermanence.... nothing lasts."
Your friend,
Pauly
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